who care.

After reading what had been written in your blog, I feel a deep sorrow and guilty. I know you for 4 years? But i just get to feel you for 4 months. I am very sorry for being so honest to you.


I am absolutely agreed with you. I am not going to only realise what a life is all about when I am on my death bed. Looking back at my own blogs, I feel sorry and guilty. I hurt myself, I failed myself. The one who created all the mess was me, myself. Though, there had been many posts that I intended to change. However, it seemed to be words but not action. Thanks for waking me up. Everything has ended. It is 2010 now. I should have a new start and new life. Cut it short, I feel a strong urge to change deep inside me this time.


I am sorry that I never know what you have gone through. I am not qualified to say I am a good friend, even though you might think I am a caring friend to you, I am definitely not. But I like being your friend very much. I like to share with you about myself because you respect me as a speaker, you care me like a friend, and you encourage me even though how disappointing you are on me! You seem to know me very well. I feel sorry to say that, all these while, I only think of you when I think of olololo..the one that I can see his existence in my msn every single time when I am on..the one that always approach and care for me before I take the first step to greet. “From what observed from then to then, I can only feel your pain. Seems like every time we talk or when we share to each other, i start to feel the similarities” – I don’t wish we have the similarities. If you know my pain, I never wish you had the same feeling before. Because I know how painful it was and as a friend, I had never showed my concern upon your pain, not even once. Yet till now, I am too sure what you had in 4 years back, but that definitely leave you a deep scar like you said, a scar that will be with us for life. My suggestion, why not we wear something to cover it up and sooner or later, the scar will be replaced by something else? Maybe the scar will not last forever?


You are feeling lost, you said that is not the way you wanted thing to work out. Let me tell you, it had not been worked out yet. You are just struggling and feeling lost, like you said. But you are definitely not at the situation of falling in love with me. Ask yourself, if this was only happened few months back, would you still be sure of the feeling you have now? Was it because of my overload complaints and negative feelings that make you have a strong urge to secure someone? I can’t answer on your part, but I would like you to answer few questions.


As for my side, if you know me, if you really know me enough, and if you heard me for the past months, my answer will be definitely a disappointment to you. At the moment, I see a relationship as a miracle. It comes from feeling and urge. It is a collection of many feelings, attachments and dreams. But at moment, I have none of it. Not because you aren’t the one, but it is me, I can’t feel love and those feelings. It is not the scar or hurt that stop me from being loved or to love again, but it is the lesson that have gone through that made me realize myself even better. I am not suitable to be in a relationship. I have strong attachment. I need to feel secure at all time. I love the way I love someone, and I m hopping he feel a 100% of my love. But that isn’t possible. I can sacrifice for a love, blindly. It is not right also. It will just make the relationship worsen and more burden. Or another word, no guy is up to my expectation and standard now. Haha. My love philosophy: I love you 100%, you don’t have to love me 100%, but you must allow me to love you 100%. As time goes by, you will feel the burden if you can’t love me 100% like I love you because of the guilt you created within yourself. Most guys at the moments will definitely choose to give up at the end.


I don’t live in past like you thought. I am not fully affected or worsen by past. Perhaps, I am being sharpened by what I had gone through. I live better now and I want live best in future. I don’t want to easily or simply get into a relationship now. Oh yes, I admit, undeniable I am touched by what you had written in your blog. Especially this I can give u 1001 reasons to give me a chance but at the end of the day, all you need is just 1 reason to decide, also this  For now I just want to fulfill that part. I don't think you are ready or is secure enough to give your heart out and neither am I ready to bear the weight of it but if that day were to come, I'd say I'd give you the best I could. Haha. I just want to clarify abit here, I can’t give my heart out at the moment, not because I don’t feel secure enough, the actual reason is, I don’t have a feeling on relationship. Also, you know clearly, you can’t bear the weight of it. At least, based on how much I know about you, at the moment, you can’t. you have more burden than taking mine. So better not.
Ok, I don’t know what lay ahead, but I just wish we can be happily together, be the best companion for each other. At least at the moment. I don’t want to say about future, I don’t want to say we are not possible, but I also don’t want to give you too much of hope. But at the moment, I am sorry, we are friend!! Agree boh? sei zai..hehe.. Nah, tomorrow teman me sms.. Next week teman me more for lunch, that’s all I can promise you. Night!