Dear Diary,

Its been sometime since i come over to share my feeling out. Since Mac this year, everything keep changing, its out of my control, i try my best to make them stay and improve, but its just God's Will, no one can stop it.

I thought i would never want to come back here and telling/sharing negative feeling because i have decided to live well and happily without any obstacles.But, today im writting this, because i started the blog with lots of my problem, now it come to an end, i would like to have a conclusion too.

For this relationship, i have struggled to hold it for a year. Though for the one year, its just one sided hardwork, but i was willing to. I thought with my hardwork, he can see, he can feel and work it out with me bravely together. But at the end, he didnt. I been changing and adapting to make our relationship improve. But i just realize, 2ways concern is needed. No matter how much i did, it would just end up with imbalance scales. The more i do, the more he take for granted. The longer i did, the more disappointment i get, the more ignorance he is. He has break his promise over and over again. Distance isnt a problem to us as long as we willing to share and communicate, but he reluctant to share with me. When my care has been interpreted as control to him, nothing better i can do anymore. I just want to blast my feeling out today. I have been patiently explain and lead him, even learn to be as elegant as i can to be a caring gf. I forgave EVERYTIME he made mistake, i forgave everytime he break promise, i trust everytime he said he would never do it. However, im just cheating myself. Giving him chances and forgiveness all time, is just to make myself stand a chance of hope.

We had promised each other to share thing out, especialy when there is decision that would affect our relationship to be made. But, you never feel the pain i had. This is the third time in a year, u made a decision without dicussing with me. Getting to know you are planning to apply PR isnt as hurt as getting to know this news from other people. We have been talking on phone everyday, but you never mention anything bout PR to me for all the while. But i did asking you during the past month whether you are keen to apply PR, you would just reply in a cold manner and reluctant to talk about it. You told me you never thought of that, but i just found out, you been planning this for the past few months.I never stop you from doing thing benefit you. No matter what you decided, i always accepted and respected.I just want to be part in your discussion. But this is the third time, i was informed by other that my bf is not coming back. March, you decided to get back study, but you didnt share with me til you claimed that your uncle have purchased the ticket. May, you applied extended visa to delay your study because of you not wanting to study tougher subjects. I was sad because i know nothing bout the news, but at the end, i accepted and i forgave. Then, we had make a deal to discuss every big decision that would involve our relationship. But 21 Sept 2009, after i get to know about the PR thing from our friend and your sis, you already halfway through in compiling documents to send for application d. When i confronted you about this matter, you were intended to lie again. Til i said i have seen all the black and white. Why? Why after so many things happened, so many chances i gave you are haven't learnt to take thing bravely?
How long more and how many things more that i have been blinded or it might happen in future?

Im tired..Im worry.. Im very disappointed..Im lost now..Where should i head now? You never want to answer my question anymore. You never want to tell me what you want now.I wanted to help, but you arent brave enough to face the problem. One year, i suffered for this relationship but i never give up. But after a year, i realized this one way hardwork would just create more and more harmness to me and maybe you. Not everyone can maintain in long-distance relationship. But i believe we can, because i can, and i know how to make you can as long as you are having an opened heart and treasure this relationship. But from what i see, you dont care this anymore. You are lost in life at the same time you sacrificed our relationship. Since my presence is not a need anymore as you always tell me you are used to being alone.I decided to let you go. Im not feeling sorrow for what we have done in the past 3years, you changed me. I learn to be more tougher and tougher because of the chances and challenges you have given me. But im feeling sorrow of not being able to guide you out. Heart pain but never heart break. I Love You Forever, never change.